Blogging

I set out to write a decent blog. I've always loved writing for the public, for some odd reason, and so blogging has always been something I've been interested in doing. As you might have noticed, I write long messages. I like reasoning things out, and I hope that it makes my thoughts engaging to read. It seems against the norm for typical blogging. To be honest, I wanted that. When I started blogging, I realized that it was a "trendy" thing to do. Well, I found out all of the trendiest ways to blog and I did the exact opposite of all of them (I'm on Blogspot for Pete's sake).

I have lots of opinions. I write as much as anyone else I know. However, I have run into an obstacle that impedes the very nature of writing. I seriously have no idea what to blog about. What is too personal for the public, and what is too inane for anyone to want to hear? I want to contribute to some sort of web-wide discussion, but I can't for the life of me figure out whether this is the appropriate medium for doing it.

"I gotta tell you, the life of the mind... There's no roadmap for that territory... And exploring it can be painful." - Barton Fink

I mean, of what value is my telling you that I am in love with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros? I could put it in a list of other thoughts I have, but what the heck does it do? I've grown to hate lists (odd, I know) and I don't really want to bring myself to make one, especially about something as boring as me. And what good does it do me to vent about my personal problems and my psychological deficiencies? I feel like there should be a layer of mystery to everyone. If I open up about that, it sort of cheapens my problem. I suppose I could extrapolate some life messages from my figuring out I have ADHD, but what good would it ultimately do? First, it would seem like I was just using lessons as a way to vent (and to try to wrap up my complex problems into neat little packages so that I can vent without people thinking there's anything wrong with me). Second, who the heck would read it and come to a greater appreciation of me?

Barton: Who cares about the fifth Earl of Bathsdrop and Lady Higgenbottom and... and... who killed Nigel Grinchgibbons?
Charlie: I can feel my butt gettin' sore already!

Ultimately, I just wish I valued my own opinion more. I could write on a whole series of topics, but with the exception of film, there is no topic I feel qualified to discuss with people. My worldview is still shaping itself daily, and sharing with all of you requires me to put opaque, vapid mental ideas into concrete, definite terminology. Saying out loud the things that dominate my waking hours forces me to commit to ideas that are sloshing around in my brain because they are still liquid. If they were solid, I wouldn't notice them so much because they'd stay in the same place. It'd seem awfully funny doing nothing all day but reflecting on things I know are certain, and it seems awfully funny talking about something I may not believe at all tomorrow. I realize there is a time for both of those, but permanent, public forum doesn't seem like the right place.



The trouble is that there is a part of me that HAS to write. I love to write. I think in prose. I think in paragraphs (occasionally in monologues and sermons). I feel the need to think out onto paper. And there's a part of me that feels like my best self-expression happens there, in the written word. It would only make sense that when I share that written word with the people I know, they would get to know me better and all would be well. But do I want people to know the real me? Do I write about movies because they don't require me to tell you anything about myself? Maybe that's true. I spent an hour trying to write a personal update before I realized I couldn't send it and typed this instead. Who knows. Maybe I will do a little list next. Maybe I will find some meaning in that list, and everything I said here will be rendered void. However, at the moment it all feels a little bit meaningless.

"I thought my ideas were so clear. I wanted to make an honest film. No lies whatsoever. I thought I had something so simple to say. Something useful to everybody. A film that could help bury forever all those dead things we carry within ourselves. Instead, I'm the one without the courage to bury anything at all. When did I go wrong? I really have nothing to say, but I want to say it all the same."
-Guido in 8 1/2 (not the abominable remake, Nine)

P.S. I realize that all of my quotes are about film writing. Also, most of them are ironic. I think the same principles often apply.